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How to Talk to Your Children
About War and Other Horrific Events…
(from
www.YourFamilesHealth.com)
 September
9, 2001 – or 9-1-1 as many were
quick to point out – will indeed go down
in history as another day in infamy. The
difference is that we saw it all unfold
in front of us; we watched in horror as
that second commercial airliner slammed
into the World Trade Center; and we
watched the ultimate icon of our
military strength go up in flames,
sending plumes of smoke throughout our
capital city. The images on television
were far worse than any conjured up by
Hollywood, and Americans of all ages
watched them. For people on the scene
who saw the carnage first-hand, the
sights and sounds will haunt their
thoughts and dreams for a lifetime.
Young children may not be able to
distinguish between their interactive
video games where buildings are blown up
and “characters” are killed, only to
return and play again another day. But
as the coverage goes on, they tune into
their parents anguish, and the fear
creeps insidiously into yet another
generation…
As parents, we have to be prepared to
discuss the news and tragic current
events with our children, however
unpleasant this may be. We have the
responsibility to get through to our
youngsters that while a national
emergency affects each and every one of
us, measures are in place to protect us,
and in every way possible to reassure
them that they are out of harm’s way.
Here are some suggestions that may be
helpful:
1. It is important for parents to answer
all the questions raised by their
youngsters, to treat each question with
seriousness and respect, and to phrase
the answers in an age-appropriate way. A
six-year-old child may not understand
global conflict, but they most certainly
do understand the consequences of
someone taking what doesn’t belong to
them. They might comprehend the need for
the person’s friends to help get their
belongings returned to them, and that
the wrongdoer would deserve to be
punished. Talk openly with your children
and encourage them to express their
fears and opinions. Reassure them
without diminishing the problem.
2. Young children are most concerned
about their own safety, and fear is an
emotion learned quite early. Children
are also sensitive to the emotions and
anxiety of their parents; even infants
can sense that there is something wrong.
This is a time for parents to keep
strong emotions in check, and to devote
undivided attention to youngsters who
may be growing increasingly afraid. They
need to be reassured that no matter what
happens, they will be cared for.
Surprise attacks are especially
unsettling, and while it is impossible
to predict or prevent them, parents
should find some method to put such
attacks in perspective. Fortunately,
they have not occurred on our shores
before now, and this crisis will most
surely prompt heightened security in the
future. Youngsters might find it
comforting to know that more people will
be looking out for their safety.
3. Most of us are comforted by a daily
routine or schedule, and children are no
different. Where ever possible, stick to
normal routines and activities. Parents
may find little to laugh about, but
humor can go a long way toward bringing
things back to normal for a young child.
4. Try to limit TV news viewing for when
very young children are removed from the
explicit images of fire and destruction.
Turn off the set for family time, and
return to the news programming after
youngsters are in bed.
5. Older children may also need
reassurance. They may have more specific
questions about death and dying, and the
loss of human life they have seen on TV.
They may have concern about people they
know who may be in the emergency areas,
or concern about a family member who is
away from home. Families in which
there are emergency workers –
firefighters, law enforcement, and EMS
personnel – may have an especially
difficult time in dealing with the
crisis, when so many lives were lost
among these professions. It will be
natural for youngsters to be alarmed
when their relatives go to work in these
fields. Older kids need the comfort of
their routines, as well, so try to keep
them focused on homework and other
familiar chores.
6. Older teens have their own set of
anxieties when nations talk of war. Will
they have to fight or enlist…will their
parents have to do so? What about other
people they know and love? Who will go
to war, and who might not come home?
These are difficult questions, but ones
which should be discussed calmly and
rationally. Parents should also be
careful not to demonize the enemy…long
term prejudices can be instilled by a
careless, angry remark.
7. Watch your children for signs of
stress or anxiety…nail biting, thumb
sucking, rocking, a return to earlier
fears (of the dark, sleeping alone, of
strange sounds or sirens), or
regressions in behavior (bed wetting,
separation anxiety). Some of these
behaviors can stretch already frayed
nerves, and call for large doses of
patience by all concerned. Be alert to
nightmares and other sleep and eating
changes. For families already
experiencing difficulties (divorce or
illness, for example) youngsters may
require some extra personal attention
and comforting. Children will take the
lead from their parent’s behavior and
attitude. The more in control adults
appear to be, the more confident
children will be that things will
ultimately turn out all right. Children
are amazing resilient; they bounce back
from situations that appear to be
devastating at the time. If problems
linger, however, parents should be alert
to warning signals and be prepared to
seek professional help for all members
of the family as appropriate. Hugs and
affection, however, certainly come under
the heading of appropriate behavior in
times of emergency, so be generous with
yours…
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